2014 looking back and 2015 looking further up

2014 looking back and 2015 looking further up

(small trigger warning for ableism at one point)

If I had to do the elevator phrase for 2014 it really was a year of out with the old debris and in with the new foundations.

Sometimes, at the time, this was "positive."  Sometimes it was "negative." Mostly, I got the "negative" to where it just "was."

It didn't look better at the start of the year. Financial pressure and mental health issues (close to 15 on the Beck inventory) were not good. Abusive emails from some people and the sudden notice of termination of a source of income didn't help either.

But then, when it was least expected, from out of the wild blue yonder...Dossie Easton and the Radical Ecstasy weekend at the time of the March equinox. And thereafter I was in stage 3 of my overall life.

Helena May, how can I find enough words of thanks and gratitude for gently nudging me to take the plunge? Perhaps only one word is enough, the new word for you: heartsight. I have met and been guided by some amazing people in the last 20 years; your depth and breadth of unconditional love still makes me (as a tribute to the late Joe Cocker as well) "stand in wonder."

Clearing out 2 big shadows of a lifetime was like ripping out a field of weeds by the roots. One, being fear of ridicule came up reasonably easily. The other being the years of anger I had let people pour into me were harder to uproot; thank you to  those who were there as the rock-hard ground holding the weeds broke up and some toxic emotional vapours leaked out. Thank you to those who taught me new skills to better handle such situations.

So the furnace of anger, that previously only a needed a match to flare it up again was snuffed out. And now when someone throws a match on it, the flame just dies away.

And there were other benefits. I was able to be more in the present than being weighed down by my past or living in the future as a form of escapism. I was able to move more out of my comfort zone. And I was able to change to more healthy fluids rather than needing the addiction of soft drink (252 days and counting on that one).

James Dominguez: thank you for organising the crowd-funding that stabilised my financial position and eliminated that stress. I wish you the all the Universal flow back as we enter 2015.

Thank you to the union rep who assisted me and helped achieve the Fair Work case outcome re the termination mentioned above (can't say more publicly). Thank you to the peeps at 3 CR who connected me with the union when deadlines were looming. Justice can happen and in the words of Billy Bragg (assume Cockney accent) "there is power in a union."

An interesting theme that emerged mid-year was dealing with what I will call misuse of masculine power. (3 things: I don't have a better name for this yet, let's go with the word masculine for better or worse for now and that these things happened involving people of different bodies recorded at birth and gender identities). I'm still working on this one; then again, isn't most of humanity (wry smile)?

These scenarios led to 2 endings with some grief and loss before getting to "it just was." I proactively terminated a client who no longer valued my services, despite the resulting loss of income. I had to learn to have faith it would be alright. The Universal flow has rewarded my faith and my fears were overcome.

(ableism in 2 paragraphs from now)

Another scenario saw the ending of what I will call a long time personal connection. But when someone reveals their truth underneath the condescending and bulldozing attitudes and thinks they have the right to say you are only entitled to have a certain number of opinions, that's someone who clearly doesn't understand basics of friendship, namely equality and respect. I will only have people in my life on an equal basis, K?

I am grateful I was able to recognise I needed time out in the midst of these scenarios. Thank you to the shoe clearance outlet that had a $50 clearance sale in the midst of this time and enabled my fave retail therapy moment of the year: the boots. :)

And the year ended with another piece of learning. I often say the first 29 1/2 years of my life seem like a distant dream where I've woken up with the good bits in reality. Yet sometimes, murky stuff pops up from that past as happened late in the year. Another personal development situation came up with my block to physical exercise (ableism here). The nasty names from that all boys school where I was not good at sport. Unco (short for un co-ordinated) and spastic. I had not realised how deep they had buried themselves and how the feelings of ridicule had kept me from exercise and physicality (as separate from sensuality). It is a case of small steps and steady as it goes on this one; I am looking forward to greater fitness and being able to wear some fave wardrobe items again in 2015.

I acknowledge the loss of Sugar and Prince. I still have moments of denial re Prince leaving before 6 years old. I acknowledge the good memories of both too.

I am grateful to the 10 people who provide me with an ear and a shoulder when I need to clear my head. You will receive special and separate thanks.

I am grateful for the love and intimacy that came my way this year...but I don't kiss and tell so that's all you get here. :)

I am grateful for all the things that have happened in my work such as TGV's office, the BGILT aged care training, increasing interest in bi issues and the human rights award (holy gender diversity) to name just a few.

I am grateful for the love of my family, the good times we shared...and the booze dad forced me to drink when I visited Queensland in November :)

I am grateful for the sharing of connections via mum and dad that will create an exciting opportunity in 2015.

 I am grateful for my housemate, friend and animal lover UJ and our 4-legged housemates and visitors. I am grateful the landlord has informed us there are no plans to renovate for at least 5 years - no cardboard box phobia issues to come back!

And I am grateful for WWE and Daniel Bryan for providing the best 2 clips of the year being the arena wide yes chant and the "you deserve it" on RAW the night after Mania. I will keep using them in 2015 (and that's the bottom line coz salgoldsaidso!!!) J

I am grateful for all the support I receive and for my communities of identity. This includes the poly community and Gary at whose place in the peace and quiet of nature enables the head and heart space to create this piece.

I have some new goals for 2015. These include better prioritisation and organisation of my time. I would like to be there more for friends. I would like to grow my income and wealth and one very practical seasonal gift will help realise that.

I enter 2015 with a true sense of optimism, faith and hope in my own life. I share that energy with you and wish everyone a 2015 that brings all that makes your heart sing, or that in WWE terms, makes you hold your big gold belt up high.

MindOUT! Conference 26-27 June: When worlds collide...clearing a head-on crash at my queer intersection

I started writing this the morning after...really early morning after two days of the MindOUT Conference. The fact that that I was awake and starting my creation of this piece at 530 AM after two days of the usual rainbow conference combination of adrenaline and brain drain speaks volumes at volume about how deeply I’m feeling what I’m feeling.

First up, there were many positives over the two days. Trans (binary) is clearly on the map in Australia (albeit with state/territory and regional differences). Ever since Health in Difference 2010, including in particular Aram Hosie’s award winning workshop http://www.lgbtihealth.org.au/health-in-difference-2010 , efforts around Australia on many levels have skyrocketed. I had great resonance with James Moreton’s keynote on trans experiences in the Scottish health system. It sounded pretty similar to here in Australia and I think we can go bigger than national co-operation. International co-operation on this and other issues would mean rather than inventing the same basic wheel, we could invent a mega-wheel and adapt the wheel for local driving conditions. This could only save time, effort and money and I think would be looked at favourably by governments re funding.

The other positive is that there are an increasing number of people doing rainbow education e.g. talks, presentations. I think a network of some sort for people like that would be a good idea. Watch this space... J

I would acknowledge there are still issues for non-binary peeps. Using terms like brothers and sisters creates invisibility for non-binary folk. I acknowledge that it will take effort to uproot years of binary auto-pilot; thing is, it can happen more quickly it if we start re-programming the auto-pilot now. We can “engage not attack” and get it done.

I am not intersex and therefore will not speak re how much intersex is or isn’t on the map. I’ll let people such as Gina Wilson, Morgan Carpenter and other peeps experiencing intersex who attended.

So: why was I awake at such a proverbial ungodly hour? Houston, there’s a problem.

There wasn’t, to use my phrase, too many Bs buzzing in. Bisexual wasn’t really there.

I now define my own sexual orientation as bi/pan. My own personal definition of bi/pan is that over the course of my life, I’m attracted to people of more than one gender identity/attracted to people regardless of gender identity. Note, that’s only my definition for me. I respect your right to your definition and labels – or to not use labels too. J

The opening plenary was a pretty good start. Associate Professor and (medical) Doctor Ruth McNair used terminology such as “homophobia, biphobia and transphobia.” She’s always been streets ahead on bi/pan (and trans too). The warm comments for her that appeared after I uploaded a photo to social media of her in action are testament to how highly she is regarded. She’s a far cry from the researcher, who, at a 2009 roundtable lumped bisexual and undecided together without blinking...or thinking. We’ll clone Dr Ruth to replace those sorts of researchers any day. J

I then had a chance to share my own story of how I’ve dealt with mental health issues along with three other trans people. Powerful and moving. Watch this space (or the space on the 3 CR airwaves) for that one. Immediately after lunch, we heard two beautiful presentations on New Zealand takaapatui (from Dr Keri Lawson-Te Aho) and Australian indigenous people (from Dameyon Bonson). Put simply, it showed great respect for diversity and intersectionality.

Thereafter, came, in my opinion, the conference bi-light. My good friend and former Bisexual Alliance Victoria (BAV) committee colleague Mary Rawson presented some of the BAV “bi the bi” stories to a small yet attentive audience in one of the breakout sessions. The feedback was along the lines of “yes we need more bi stories, keep them coming.” That feedback came from a person who didn’t identify as bi (or similar). #ally. Win.

Yours truly then chaired a breakout session to end the day. I had a chance to introduce people. I had a brief time to live out my fantasy occupation of being a WWE ring announcer/commentator. :)  Business had indeed picked up (copyright Jim Ross).

Bi and large, it was a good first day. Fun, positive and in no way were bi people stigmatised, erased or in any way, “savaged.” (I await more research on bi/pan and poly people being genetically inclined to punning).

The car crash happened for me, during the opening plenary of day two. It wasn’t anything that was said in the session, it was about what wasn’t said. Dr Gavi Ansara’s talk on being polycultural - addressed to “brothers, sisters and non-gendered siblings” (see, it’s easy) - was beautiful and authentic. Margaret Mayman, Minister at Sydney’s Pitt Street Uniting Church spoke on being a Uniting church minister and among many others things, how we need Christian voices other than the Australian Christian Lobby was spot on. Morgan Carpenter spoke clearly and effectively on intersex as always

And Margaret was totally positive in her support for polyamory and affirming all forms of relationships as opposed to putting marriage on a pedestal.

So what was the crash?

I felt that while my trans component was travelling down the freeway at 100 kph and even my poly component was cruising safely in the slow lane, my bi/pan identity suddenly felt like it had been wiped off the road. Was a quarter of one of 25 concurrent break-out sessions in two days of over 90 presenters enough?

I want to make it clear this was about my thoughts and my feelings. I don’t “blame” anyone for making biphobic remarks or anything similar.

My mind was whirling. I wanted to stand up and ask other bi/pan/similar to stand with me. But was that fair and right to ask people to out themselves? I didn’t know.

So I approached organiser Barry Taylor at morning tea with my dilemma. He unhesitatingly offered to slot three minutes for me into the closing plenary. I prepared a “manual powerpoint” (that’s hand-written notes for those under 30) on and off over the next few hours.

Maybe I was edgy, but I began to be more aware of bi invisibility. I felt annoyed at remarks from one presenter that “we get LGB.” I think most people “get” gay and lesbian; what about bi? Did that person know of the worse health outcomes and other issues for bi people?

Finally: 3:30 PM and the closing plenary. I’m sitting in the front row and I’m ready to get up. I wait through researcher John Howard (no, not the former Australian Prime Minister or the actor) – who mentioned the distressing “bi and undecided” research (to be fair he tried to point out it was not right to lump them together). Then Barry spoke – and the conference was closed. No 3 minutes.

I take responsibility for my own error in not being proactive and re-confirming at the start of the plenary I was to get 3 minutes. I apologise for letting bi/pan people down (this means there is a 98% probability I’m not a politician or a corporate media mogul – I take responsibility for my errors). I’ll learn from this and do it better next time.

All the same, I strongly believe bi/pan - and poly - folk can take something out of this. All indications are that people in fields such as those at this conference e.g. community workers, researchers – the relatively open-minded and empathic types - want more information. There is now in these sorts of circles a realisation that “we don’t know what we don’t know.” So we have a chance to tell such people what we know so they can know too and influence people in key positions

It is time for the first Australian bi/pan specific quantitative research piece/s on bi/pan and polyamory. We have research on the way re trans and gender diverse that has relatively big samples; we could get the same for bi/pan. It seems previous bi/pan research has achieved small numbers as it has only been aimed at “men who have sex with men” in venues. I think in this day and age of social media we can go further than that.

Similar to trans and gender diverse (and probably intersex), bi/pan people need to be part of BGILT initiatives from the start to promote inclusiveness and a sense of ownership. And the same as any professional with unique skills and knowledge, trans, gender diverse, intersex and bi/pan people need to be reimbursed adequately for their time. Project budgets need to factor in these amounts

So I conclude by saying it’s time the B’s more than buzzed in. It’s time to swarm.

 In 2012, after years of receiving biphobia at Melbourne’s Pride March, the organisers put bi (and poly) people near the front. The biphobia has gone away. We need to push to the front in every way.

In 2010, I presented at Health in Difference (on prejudice under the rainbow) with a paper called “How the BGILT community Can Work Together.” http://www.lgbtihealth.org.au/health-in-difference-2010/social-inclusion-working-together No one has ever asked me why I wrote the letters in that order. 4 years later, I state that there were three reasons: it uses alphabetical order – can’t dispute that (ok, I’m half serious, half humourous on that one); for me personally, the B and the T are the bookends holding things together and one other one...

I put B at the front in a symbolic way to say “we’re here; we’re visible and not hidden in the middle or anywhere else.”

So it’s time now, in 2014 to put B at the front, both symbolically and practically. I call on bi/pan people to start doing this by writing BGILT (or similar). I call on people to politely and assertively request keynote speeches and major plenary sessions at “rainbow” conferences on “binary busting” for all of relationship status, gender identity and sexual orientation.

And for my sake, I want my queer car to be fully on the road from now on. :)

(These views are my own and do not necessarily any organisation with which I am involved)